Movies Not to Watch

The Guru

Even the presence Heather Graham and Marisa Tomei can't save this movie. Has a good enough plot, but story development is just bad.

Macarena dancer from India goes to New York in search of the American Dream. He works his way up as a waiter, a pr0n star, a party swami, then to guru of s3x. He preaches to the rich and famous, but actually gets his teachings from his movie partner (Heather Graham). She later discovers his scam, and decides to tie the knot with her long-time fireman-fiance. At the wedding ceremony, the guru intervenes and wins her back. Meanwhile, the groom "comes out" and declares his love for his fireman buddy. Everybody breaks into a Bollywood-style dancing, and get this, Heather and Mister Guru flies off into the heavens in a red Mercedes convertible. I kid you not.

Kiss the Bride

I have this knack for identifying bad movies just by looking at the title and reading the back cover of the DVD. And I was right about this one. Throw in storylines and scenes from all the family dramas you've seen, and you end up with this.

• Family with four daughters: the confident overachiever, the suffering fighter, the normal homebody, and the rebel rocker
• Overachiever comes home in a Hummer as long as a submarine with a hotshot boyfriend in tow, and impresses everyone
• Fighter sacrifices lovelife in favour of career to prove she's as strong and as capable as Overachiever
• Rebel comes home in full rocker costume, and gives her girlfriend a torrid kiss in the mouth, in case anyone forgets she's the black sheep of the family
• Mandatory big family lunch where the father questions the boyfriend's love for his daughter, where one of the sisters admits to sleeping with the boyfriend, where another sister throws a tantrum and makes a tearful speech about being neglected, and everyone sits around looking shocked
• Surprise wedding by the sea with all family members present, happy and content.

The script is flimsy, the dialogue is bland, the scenes are mostly irrelevant. Heck, I wasn't even watching the movie. But working away on my laptop, while listening to the dialogue and looking at the TV once every few minutes, I still have the feeling I've been cheated. Throughout the movie, I kept asking is this scene even remotely relevant to the plot? Then I go, Jeez, what plot?! I can go on and on and on, but I'll make this short - this movie is bad, bad, bad.


My Big Fat Greek Wedding

My guess the reason why this movie became a box-office hit is the same reason why Yao Ming was voted as the starting center for the NBA All-Stars. Billions of Chinese voted for Yao Ming and millions of Greeks watched My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

Here's the plot. Long-haired vegetarian schoolteacher marries Greek spinster. That's it. Full stop. Period. Um, I'm trying to make the plot look longer, but that's the best I can do. Some of the Greek trivia were interesting when I first watched the movie a few years ago. When a Greek girl becomes 30, you need the father's permission to date her. So, that's how a grown-up man gets baptized at the Greek Orthodox Church. Yuck, they actually spit on the bride. Oh, that's the zorba dance. They sure eat a lot, and instead of Wazzzup? they shout Oopah! every 5 minutes.

On second viewing, I found the actors' performances contrived and forced. The jokes and gags are not that funny. If it's Greek trivia you want, look it up on the Internet or better yet, talk to your Greek friend.